Monday, May 27, 2013

Friday, May 24, 2013

Joke of the Day

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.' 

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?' 

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Be sure to check out Cream of the Crop sale!

Check out this cow bred by Deadliest Catch!

Joke of the Day

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. 

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. 

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" 

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!" 


Monday, May 20, 2013

Joke of the Day

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. 

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). 

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) 

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) 

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). 

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."(...and you thought????...) 

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) 

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) 

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) 

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to...what?) 

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) 

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!) 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) 

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." 

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Joke of the Day

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Sent in from Jeremy Laberdee!

Hi this is Jeremy Laberdee from Michigan. This is a May 1 Smilin Bob x meyer heifer.

Joke of the Day

A guy decides he wants to learn how to hunt. Needing a good hunting dog, he visits a farmer who has been advertising hounds in the newspaper. The farmer shows him several dogs, but the guy doesn't like them. Then he spots one hound that the farmer hasn't shown him. The guys asks, "What about that one?" "Oh, no," the farmer replies. "That one's my special dog." "What's so special about him?" "Let me show you."

The farmer leads the guy and the dog to a field, lifts up one of the dog's ears, and orders, "Go find the birds!" The dog charges to a nearby bush, points and barks once. "That means there's one bird in that bush," says the farmer. "No way!" exclaims the guy. The farmer takes a stick and pokes the bush, and a huge pheasant flies out.

To further convince the guy, the farmer again lifts the dog's ear and repeats, "Go find the birds!" This time the dog streaks off to another bush, points, and barks twice. "That means there's two birds in there," says the farmer,
taking his stick and poking at the bush. Two huge pheasants pop out and fly away.

"I've gotta have that dog!" says the man. "Well, okay," replies the farmer. "But it's gonna cost you a bundle." The guy forks over the bucks and takes the dog.

A month later, the farmer has to go to the city, and decides to visit the guy who bough his prize hound. When he asked the guy about the dog, the man replies, "A couple of buddies and I went hunting, and when we got to a field the damnedest thing happened. I went up to the dog, lifted one of his ears, and said 'Go find the birds.' The dog
took off like a bat outta hell and ran into the field, barking and running around like crazy. Then he jumped on my leg and started humping it. After that, he grabbed a stick and started shaking it violently at me! I thought he'd gone nuts for sure, or maybe had rabies or something. So I shot him."

"You idiot!" yelled the farmer. "He was just telling you that there's more birds out there than you could shake a stick at!"


Monday, May 13, 2013

2013 Skinner Cattle Show Camp

Limited number of spots available.



Joke of the Day

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Joke of the Day

One redneck asks the other, "If I slept with your wife and we had a child together, would that make us kin?" The other redneck responds, "I ain't sure, but it would at least make us even."


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Joke of the Day

One morning a mother was trying to wake up her son. "Wake up now! It's time to go to school." "I don't want to go to school," the son replied. His mother said, "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." "Okay. One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me." "Not good enough," the mother replied. "Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I SHOULD go to school." "One, you're 50 years old. Two, you're the principal of the school."

Monday, May 6, 2013

Joke of the Day

"If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Joke of the Day

A survey was conducted by asking women of what they thought of their ass.

85% of women said that they thought that their ass was too big.

10% of women said that they thought that their ass was too small.

5% of women said that they would marry him again.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Joke of the Day

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."