Friday, December 18, 2015

Joke of the Day!

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said "Okay, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Joke of the Day!

So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job". 

Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly. 

A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much. 

"Something about a job. "

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Joke of the Day!

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Joke of the Day!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Monday, December 14, 2015

Joke of the Day!

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"


"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater!"

Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"

Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"


"Then you're gay."

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Kansas Beef Expo!

Market Animal
Champion Simmental Steer
Sire: I 80
Dam: Smilin Bob
Bred by: Harmes
Sold by: Arthur, RJ
Congratulations to Jake Nikkel!

5th Overall Market Animal
3rd Overall Crossbred Steer
Sire: MAB
Dam: Smilin Bob
Bred by: Cronk
Sold by: Arthur
Congratulations to Tommy Glover

Friday, December 11, 2015

Joke of the Day!

3 guys walk into a forbidden garden. They start eating from the garden but they get caught. The forbidden garden tribe leader says they will be sentenced to death unless they can quickly bring 10 of any fruit to them immediately. The first guy comes back with 10 apples and the tribe leader says, "Now put them in your ass without making any noise." He tries really hard but can't make it so they execute him. The second guy comes with 10 cranberries and he is told to do the same. He almost finishes but he starts laughing and they execute him. As the spirits of the 2 are moving on, the first guy says "Why did you laugh?? you were gonna make it" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming with watermelons"

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Joke of the Day!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.Then one day, the rancher's widow said "you have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Joke of the Day!

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" 

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. 

She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

So here I am.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Joke of the Day!

An employee walks into his boss's office demanding a raise. He says, "I'm sorry to do this to you boss but I have several companies after me and I'm going to have to ask you for a raise."

At first his boss was reticent but after some hemming and hawing she finally gave in. "Well, I can offer you a 10% raise and some incentives." That was good enough, and the employee went to leave. As he was walking out the door, however, she called after him, "By the way, which companies were after you?"

He replied, "Oh, you know... the water company, the gas company, the electric company..."

Friday, December 4, 2015

Joke of the Day!

... Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. 

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, 

"How did you do over the weekend?" 

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." 

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" 

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." 

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) 

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." 

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" 

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your butt before prison....'"